


Introspective

by DoctorMegalomania



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25017388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorMegalomania/pseuds/DoctorMegalomania
Summary: Heero has to look inward to figure out who he is. He gets a little help from his friends.
Relationships: Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy
Comments: 10
Kudos: 26
Collections: 2020 Gundam Wing Pride Event





	Introspective

**Author's Note:**

> Written as part of the wingqueero Pride event!

_ “Pride Month is about truly coming to terms and accepting who you are as a person and it’s about taking a stance, saying that I am proud of who I am no matter what society tells me.” ~ rev _

* * *

Heero stared at the sky. The grass around him rustled quietly; the muted sounds of people walking around the park drifted on the wind. The sun gently warmed the world, and a single cloud shaped like… well, a cloud… wandered the endless blue of the sky. 

It was the way his therapist had just tilted their head and asked simply. “What if you’re not just... hetronormative?” 

Could it be…  _ that _ was that why every relationship he’d had since Relena failed on every front? He’d tried almost everything; the therapy was his last chance to understand why he hadn’t been successful. Relena had been sad when they’d broken up, promising to keep in touch - and they had. Their parting had been because of their careers; he wouldn’t have chosen it, but at the same time, she couldn’t stay on Earth... and if he wanted to be a part of building his own Preventer team, he couldn’t leave. By the time a chance to reconnect with Relena had come up, he’d… moved on. The spark was gone. Relena had understood; she thought it was because they were older, different people... and in a way she’d been right. Something in his mind had whispered that it hadn’t been the only reason, but he hadn’t known how to describe it. 

It was difficult to put what he felt into words. 

It was worse when his coworkers just didn’t understand how he could ‘walk away’ from a ‘catch’ like Relena, or any of the multitude of women who felt an attraction to him. 

After one particularly difficult situation - he hoped Allison would recover and that one day, Jacques would find his courage to actually ask her out - Heero had sought external help for his… predicament. Jacques’ fury could easily be attributed to his secret attraction to Allison; Allison’s upset was easily attributed to her (previously) secret attraction to Heero… but Heero just didn’t understand why the mere fact that he occasionally worked with a conventionally attractive woman automatically meant that he should be overwhelmed with gratitude for her interest and immediately reciprocate. 

He didn’t see the connection between the fact she’d asked him out and - when he replied ‘no’ - Jacques’ fury, which other coworkers seemed to agree with. 

Heero was flummoxed. 

Jacques was jealous of him, clearly, but Heero didn’t really understand why. His last three girlfriends, all very attractive women (who bore only a passing resemblance to Relena), had left him for lack of… well, everything. Lack of intimacy, lack of affection… lack of sex. Heero found it difficult to find the same kind of attraction he’d had for Relena. In the years after the war, they’d had a long and deep relationship in which he’d absolutely no trouble enjoying sex. He knew he wasn’t sexually incapacitated, but he just…

It wasn’t easy to get…  _ there _ .

He really didn’t understand how others got so… sexual… over others so quickly. 

His therapist had been gentle as they asked him to think about his own orientation. Perhaps he needed different words to describe what he felt. Perhaps he needed to evaluate what orientation he was fully. 

Heero had looked at them like they were mad. They’d only smiled patiently when he’d frowned. “Do you think I’m gay?”

“I can’t possibly decide that for you,” they’d answered carefully. “Perhaps you need to consider what your sexuality mean to you.”

So, here he was, lying in a park, staring at the sky. He’d entertained thoughts about asking his closest friends, but somehow, it felt a little weird to ask any of them anything about sex. 

Getting up, Heero sat for a moment, watching the various people around the park. He didn’t understand how it all worked at all. Shaking his head, he got to his feet and started walking home. Would they even want to just … _ talk _ to him about such a topic? Then it came to him, he knew where to start.

* * *

“I always knew I was gay. I had a crush on… do you remember the Major from  _ Colony 16 _ \- that kids’ show? I just wanted him to save me all the time… My first wet dream was embarrassingly focused on certain scenes from the movie.”

Quatre was surprisingly open. 

“Having so many sisters will do that to a person,” Quatre airly explained from his upside-down position on Heero’s couch, his attention completely on his phone. The unusual position was completely at odds with the sharp suit and his normal disposition, but Quatre liked to relax whenever he could and at Heero’s home, he knew he could completely let his guard down. 

“So, why are you so concerned about your own orientation, Heero?”

He was also irritatingly observant. Heero looked down at his own hot drink for a long moment. “I recently turned down a very attractive woman and one of my coworkers is angry at me about it.”

“Do they want the woman?”

“Yes.”

Quatre waved a hand, dismissively. “That will be why.”

“He asked me if there was something wrong with me, if I couldn’t get it up for her.”

“Hmm…” Quatre hummed. “You know… it does make me think, you haven’t really enjoyed dating anyone since Relena.” He shifted inelegantly, turning himself the right way up and cramming himself into the corner of the sofa - all the while, his eyes never leaving the screen of his phone. “You know who you should speak to? Wufei. He might know more about what you’re thinking.”

* * *

“... Quatre Winner sent you to speak to me…”    
Wufei sat back in his chair, as if the very thought deeply discomfited him. 

“... about sex?” Wufei frowned. “Are you sure?” 

Heero sipped his coffee. “Quite sure. Why are you making that face?”

Rolling his dark eyes, Wufei took a moment to drink his tea and look at the spectacular view the cafe afforded of the town. The restaurant was high up in the shopping centre, with a clear window over the entire nearby city. Wufei seemed to come to a conclusion. “I just don’t.” 

Heero waited for more.

Wufei seemed to be searching for a better description. “I don’t want to have sex… with anyone…” He paused. “Ever.”

Heero frowned. “That… doesn’t quite match my situation. I enjoyed sex with Relena and would like to find a similar connection with someone else.” 

“I’m not sure why we’re having this… incredibly uncomfortable conversation then.” Wufei raised a bemused eyebrow. “You like sex only sometimes?” 

Heero nodded. “I have tried dating women who look like Relena.” He frowned. “It was not rewarding, and I did not want to have sex.” 

A thought came to Wufei. “Didn’t you decline to date Relena last year? When she came back, I remember there being some… complex conversations occurring.”

“Mn.” Heero picked up his coffee and watched it swirl around his cup. “I didn’t feel the same. It was like… well, honestly?”

Wufei made a small gesture.

“I no longer wanted to have sex with her. She feels like a sister now. It feels… awkward.”

Wufei took a moment to finish his tea and to pour another cup from the pot he had. “Perhaps you’re not too dissimilar to me. There are plenty of different shades of sexuality.” A small smile pulled at his lips. “You know who’d be pretty good at this…?”

* * *

Trowa’s smile was wry. “Do you identify as male?”

“Uh.” Heero thought for a moment. “Yes.”

“We can rule out lesbian then.” Trowa resumed gardening. Heero shook his head and paid attention to the flower bed Trowa had directed him to water. They operated in a comfortable silence until a thought occurred to Heero. He put the heavy watering can down for a moment’s rest and turned to Trowa. 

“Do… you… identify as… male?” 

Trowa shrugged a shoulder. “Depends how I feel, really. I’m most comfortable with he/they pronouns.” 

“Does how you identify by gender affect your sexuality?” 

Trowa seemed to think. “It’s really not a binary connection - your identity can help inform your sexuality, but for some, it doesn’t have an influence.” Trowa spent a few moments concentrating on the plants. “Have you thought about doing some reading? Talking to others is fine and all, but… my experience won’t be the same as yours.” 

They continued gardening. Trowa’s small garden was on the rooftop of a building that Quatre owned; the penthouse was beautiful and a place of deep calm. Picking up the watering can and resuming his job, Heero thought about what he said and then shrugged. 

“I think Wufei suggested I talk to you because you know more… labels?”

Trowa laughed softly. “So you came to me because I’m a library?” 

“Well, yes.”

“Maybe I should just open a web browser and let you search.”

“I could do that?”

Trowa let out a full laugh then. “Yes, Heero… you’re usually so good at using the technology.”

Emptying the watering can, Heero rolled his shoulders awkwardly. “Computers aren’t people. People things are usually… hard to pin down.”

“Hmm.” Trowa nodded understandingly. “Alright, what are you looking for?”

“I don’t like having sex with random people. I do like having sex with people I love.” Heero came to sit on the stone bench near Trowa. “I want to have sex… just not with people who… don’t matter to me.” He frowned. “Does that make sense? I don’t really understand how Quatre could dream about a fictional character who he doesn’t even know… but I know that I do desire sex. So I’m not… the same as Wufei.”

“Hoo boy.” Trowa looked up. “There’s a name for what you’re describing, but let me ask… when you imagine sex, it is a desirable thing to be shared with others?”

Heero thought carefully. “I’ve only ever had sex with Relena so…”

“If you imagine having sex with another person, is the experience purely physical or do you need to have some kind of connection with the other person?”

Heero’s confusion must have been very visible on his face because Trowa got up and sat beside him on the bench, heaving a sigh. “Do you want to have sex with me?”

“Uh. No.” 

“Is it because I am not attractive?”

“No, I think you’re very attractive by most standards.” Heero paused as a thought occurred to him. He felt a feeling ripple over his body, unfamiliar, but not completely unlike something he’d felt a long time ago. He glanced at Trowa. Legs crossed and resting on a hand, Trowa smiled faintly. 

“Did something slot into place?”

Heero stood up and paced back and forth for a moment. He felt a little uncomfortable in his own skin. “I just… I… I wouldn’t want to sleep with you, but…” He trailed off. 

Trowa only nodded. “But perhaps you can think of someone who you would like to sleep with now?”

* * *

“So, like, Trowa said come and sleep with me?”

Duo looked very confused, the wet shirt hanging in his hands. Heero shrugged and took it from Duo. He spent a little time hanging up the laundry, thinking carefully about his answer. He shook his head. 

“No. Not that.”

Duo’s apartment was small but homely. Since leaving the colony, Duo had fought hard to build up enough money to buy his own home. Hilde had called it pig-headedness. Their scrap business had been something of an unexpected success, and Duo was insanely rich, but he’d walked away from the company and started again on Earth. Heero had never asked. Duo just seemed happy to be working hard - an attitude Heero could appreciate. He respected Duo. Nonetheless, it was really difficult to put what had triggered this trip into sensible words. For a few minutes he focused on helping Duo with the laundry, and then followed him out onto the balcony; small and square, with enough room for two people to sit in a cozy manner. More to the point, it was quiet and private. Handing over a cool drink, Duo sank down and pulled his knees up to sit cross-legged, eyeing him with a sort of confused patience. 

Heero just let the words tumble out. “I don’t think I’m straight.”

“Okay.”

“I haven’t been able to find anyone like Relena.”

Duo smiled faintly. “Maybe you’re just Mono-Relena-Sexual?”

“Uh, no.” Heero frowned. “I don’t want Relena now… and Trowa asked if I’d like to sleep with him.”

“Not sure how we made that leap, but continue.”

“And I don’t.” Heero sipped his drink and then idly drew his finger around the rim. “Want to sleep with him, I mean. I think he’s attractive but he’s not… sexually attractive to me.” He paused, finding it harder to come to the point. He closed his eyes for a moment and just breathed. “Then I thought about who I would most want to have sex with and…” He opened an eye warily. “And I… I realised that I’d quite like to sleep with… you.” 

The silence wasn’t exactly easy. Duo was blushing and Heero felt a ridiculous urge to jump off the balcony. Duo sipped his drink and cleared his throat. “So, that bit was serious, huh?”

“Um. Yes.” 

“So, like is this a… one off, get it out your system-type thing?”

Feeling vaguely horrified at the notion, Heero opened his mouth but Duo shook his head and held up a hand. 

“Nope, I can see that was not quite what you had in mind. Uh…” Duo’s shoulders dropped. “Did Wufei in any way put you up to this?”

“Why would Wufei…?”

“Wufei didn’t say anything about me to you about… uh, this.”

“Wufei is distinctly uncomfortable about discussing anything of a sexual manner.” Heero paused. “Why would he…?”

“Did Hilde say anything?” Duo barrelled ahead, his blush becoming more pronounced. “Because man, if this is some kind of pity--”

Getting slightly alarmed by Duo’s flustered tone, Heero held up a hand. “What are you talking about?”

Swallowing, Duo closed his eyes and took a moment. “Look, I… I have a …” Duo opened his eyes, his blush receding a little as he ground his jaw. “I have a crush on you. Have done since forever. I only told… Wufei, and he’s always been, like, I should do something about it… and then Hilde’s been on my case - she doesn’t want me to be all alone - and you…” Duo ducked his head. “You’re not gay, so I figured I could just be your best… uh, a good friend. And just... be there.”

Heero blinked. “Oh.” He frowned for a moment. “I would classify you as one of my best friends, Duo. Don’t talk yourself down.” 

Duo thought about it carefully. His expression evened out and he looked more relaxed. “And I thought maybe someone was putting you up to play a prank on me, but… you’re serious, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Heero answered, his attention on his drink. “Are you gay?”

“I’m really not sure. I mean, Hilde was great about it, and there’s been a few people who I really enjoyed being with, but... I think Trowa described it as pansexual.” Duo smiled lopsidedly. “It’s the person who matters, not the body.”

“Yes!” Heero sat up. “That’s closer to what I mean.” He put his drink down carefully. “But with me, I need to know them. I need to be close to them… and you’re… you’re more than a good friend, Duo.” 

“... and you’d like to… be with me?”

Heero felt the confusing twinge of sexual excitement. “Yes. I think I do.” He leaned forward a little. “Would you like to try it out with me?”


End file.
